i went to a new friend's house yesterday in humboldt park.
she recently moved here from san francisco and used a moving company to move all her things here. her stuff never made it here. the moving company told her that her things were in las vegas and she could only have them after she left positive feedback on their website. they also kept her deposit. additionally, they broke several pieces of furniture and generally didn't care about their job.
when she finally got her things back, she took back her feedback and tried to call the police. since the things were in las vegas she called there. they told her to call san francisco because that's where they took them. san francisco said to call washington state because that's where the company was from, etcetera etcetera. so basically, these idiots are taking people entire lives and holding them ransom and there's nothing to be done about it.
this entry is actually about myself.
this morning i woke up playing back that scenario of having everything taken from me and what i would do to get it back. going one step further i thought about what i would do to get revenge. this spun into a whirlwind of daydreams filled with brutal stabbings, hog tying, and chinese water torture.
five minutes into imagining hanging these people upside own for days, i realized that i do this entirely too often. i picture situations where i am delivering the most brutal punishment to people who have wronged my friends, and more often, myself.
if i have ever owed you money, been embarrassed by you, had something stolen from me by you, and most of all dated you; you can trust that i have dug your eyeballs out with my bare hands and fed them to my paralyzed dog, larry.
my question is that is this normal? does everyone imagine committing unspeakable acts to those that have wronged them? where do you draw the line? how long is it until i stop thinking about it and start doing it?
what a case.
11.30.2008
11.28.2008
life playlist
my musical taste has, for the most part, stopped evolving since i moved out of my father's house 4 years ago.
i broke my computer, which had most of my music on it. i did have an ipod, but sold it as soon as times got hard, which they inevitably did because i moved out with nothing but a $500 paycheck, a 10 dollar/hr job and some furniture i found in my fathers basement.
in all my 23 years, the most influential person, musically, has been my mother.
we lived in a house in westchester, which we moved into when i was 5. at 6, my father went to prison, he would be there for 4 years.
during these four years, my mother would party. at home. rage. she had a boyfriend. she had a cokehead sister. she had a cokehead questionably lesbian friend who we called auntie nancy. they would all come over, drink boxed wine, smoke pot, blow rails, and listen to music. i remember being 8 and being so frustrated and exhausted at 3am and wishing i could sleep, but there is no sleep when al green's let's stay together is blaring.
for the longest time, and due to my associative personality, i would shun any song i ever heard that i remembered from my younger days. they sounded like poor parenting and neglect. a few years ago, i gave my sister, shelby, a two disc mix of all the songs i remembered my mother butchering for me. it started as a spiteful joke which i called "debra salvador is drunk again" but in hindsight, i realize that these are my favorite songs in the world. these are the songs i want played at my wedding, these are the songs that i put on when i dance in my underwear when i'm home alone, these are the songs that are the soundtrack to my life and i love each and every one of them.
below is what i can remember (and find on youtube), from the years when my dad was in prison. these are what helped me through those times, even thought i thought i was being tortured at the time.
some have stories attached to them.
patsy cline-crazy
this was my mother's #1 drunk jam. listen to it. you already know it. i still go to this song when i want to feel awful about myself. it is probably the most important song in my life.
4 non blondes - what's up
originally, my father liked this song. my mother thought she could sing like this woman and would try relentlessly. she ended up playing this song so many times that i think i hate it forever.. actually, this is the only song on this list that i don't like.
smokey robinson and the miracles - ooh ooh ooh baby baby
this is the song my mother played the day of my first junior high dance. i bought an entire baby blue floral outfit from rave. after i was dressed, she put this song on, and said, "this is how you dance with a man". she pulled me aggressively close to her and shoved her leg between mine. she said, "you have to make sure you get your thigh on their crotch like this".
...
i was 12.
the everly brothers - kathy's clown
my aunt kathy's husband's name was bob. my mom would play this song and i would picture them in a simpler time... wearing 50s preppy clothes and going to the sock hop or some shit... i would grow up to realize my uncle was an outlaw biker and my aunt was a single mom and their union wasn't magical at all.
i also think my mom was always jealous of my aunt's relationship and would play this song to live vicariously through her.
mary wells - you beat me the the punch
i never liked the way my mom's voice would fluctuate when she sang "punch". i love this song.
extreme - more than words
my "aunt" nancy and my mom would blare this song and practice their harmonies. jesus.
humble pie - 30 days in the hole
my mom played this song constantly when it got to be around a month before my dad got out of jail... it is still fun to sing and dance to and think about missing my dad.
the delfonics - la la la means i love you
i feel like my mom only played this a few times, i latched onto it and made it one of my favorites.
zhane - hey mr dj
there was a girl who lived around the block from me who was in special ed. her lips stuck out weirdly and everyone called her 'donkey lips'. her mother was an attendant at mcdonald's play place and had an abusive boyfriend named michael and an angry grandfather who lived in the basement who smoked cigars and had a black girlfriend half his age. they also had a myriad of cats and smelled like cat piss and her mother wouldn't let her wear underwear to bed. i know this because my mom would make my sister and i sleep at their house so she could "really fucking party". it was terrible. why this is relevant to this song is because this girl christina LOVED this song and my mom said she'd record it on tape for her and she never delivered. go figure.
the mystics - that's the kind of love (18th street chicago shout out)
this group is from my old neighborhood and my mom is always sure to remind you she knows them... i don't think she actually does. i don't know why she would find it appropriate to impress me, i'm 8. (or i was.)
the allman brothers band - jessica
this is the song my sister was named after. i was always led to believe my father loved this band, but when i try to impress him by playing it, he just gets bored. understandably so, its like 8 minutes long and has no words. again, i don't know why my mom tried to tell me weird false things about my dad.
barbara streisand - woman in love
i walked into my kitchen when i was 6 and this song was playing. my mother was against the counter making out with the 26 yr old next door neighbor. i snuck by and went to the bathroom unnoticed. my sister came in after me and called my mom out. this would be how every situation would pan out between my sister and i. i would stay quiet, and my sister would raise hell.
linda ronstadt - blue bayou
my grandmother on my mother's side died in 1979. she was murdered by her boyfriend. she was hit in the head by him and died a few days later. this is her favorite song.
the traveling wilburys - handle with care
my mom thinks this is her anthem. really, though, it would be like her to blame everyone but herself for feeling beat up, just like this song says.
the beatles - when im sixty-four
my mom told me a good way to remember what 8x8 was, was to sing this song and picture the 8's at two little bald heads.
it still works.
color me badd - i wanna sex you up
inappropriate right? imagine your mom mom-dancing to this song. woof.
obviously there are more. its amazing how associative one can get about songs. even though a lot of these memories are painful, i like to look back and laugh, because i feel like if i didn't have these things.. i'd be really boring.
i broke my computer, which had most of my music on it. i did have an ipod, but sold it as soon as times got hard, which they inevitably did because i moved out with nothing but a $500 paycheck, a 10 dollar/hr job and some furniture i found in my fathers basement.
in all my 23 years, the most influential person, musically, has been my mother.
we lived in a house in westchester, which we moved into when i was 5. at 6, my father went to prison, he would be there for 4 years.
during these four years, my mother would party. at home. rage. she had a boyfriend. she had a cokehead sister. she had a cokehead questionably lesbian friend who we called auntie nancy. they would all come over, drink boxed wine, smoke pot, blow rails, and listen to music. i remember being 8 and being so frustrated and exhausted at 3am and wishing i could sleep, but there is no sleep when al green's let's stay together is blaring.
for the longest time, and due to my associative personality, i would shun any song i ever heard that i remembered from my younger days. they sounded like poor parenting and neglect. a few years ago, i gave my sister, shelby, a two disc mix of all the songs i remembered my mother butchering for me. it started as a spiteful joke which i called "debra salvador is drunk again" but in hindsight, i realize that these are my favorite songs in the world. these are the songs i want played at my wedding, these are the songs that i put on when i dance in my underwear when i'm home alone, these are the songs that are the soundtrack to my life and i love each and every one of them.
below is what i can remember (and find on youtube), from the years when my dad was in prison. these are what helped me through those times, even thought i thought i was being tortured at the time.
some have stories attached to them.
patsy cline-crazy
this was my mother's #1 drunk jam. listen to it. you already know it. i still go to this song when i want to feel awful about myself. it is probably the most important song in my life.
4 non blondes - what's up
originally, my father liked this song. my mother thought she could sing like this woman and would try relentlessly. she ended up playing this song so many times that i think i hate it forever.. actually, this is the only song on this list that i don't like.
smokey robinson and the miracles - ooh ooh ooh baby baby
this is the song my mother played the day of my first junior high dance. i bought an entire baby blue floral outfit from rave. after i was dressed, she put this song on, and said, "this is how you dance with a man". she pulled me aggressively close to her and shoved her leg between mine. she said, "you have to make sure you get your thigh on their crotch like this".
...
i was 12.
the everly brothers - kathy's clown
my aunt kathy's husband's name was bob. my mom would play this song and i would picture them in a simpler time... wearing 50s preppy clothes and going to the sock hop or some shit... i would grow up to realize my uncle was an outlaw biker and my aunt was a single mom and their union wasn't magical at all.
i also think my mom was always jealous of my aunt's relationship and would play this song to live vicariously through her.
mary wells - you beat me the the punch
i never liked the way my mom's voice would fluctuate when she sang "punch". i love this song.
extreme - more than words
my "aunt" nancy and my mom would blare this song and practice their harmonies. jesus.
humble pie - 30 days in the hole
my mom played this song constantly when it got to be around a month before my dad got out of jail... it is still fun to sing and dance to and think about missing my dad.
the delfonics - la la la means i love you
i feel like my mom only played this a few times, i latched onto it and made it one of my favorites.
zhane - hey mr dj
there was a girl who lived around the block from me who was in special ed. her lips stuck out weirdly and everyone called her 'donkey lips'. her mother was an attendant at mcdonald's play place and had an abusive boyfriend named michael and an angry grandfather who lived in the basement who smoked cigars and had a black girlfriend half his age. they also had a myriad of cats and smelled like cat piss and her mother wouldn't let her wear underwear to bed. i know this because my mom would make my sister and i sleep at their house so she could "really fucking party". it was terrible. why this is relevant to this song is because this girl christina LOVED this song and my mom said she'd record it on tape for her and she never delivered. go figure.
the mystics - that's the kind of love (18th street chicago shout out)
this group is from my old neighborhood and my mom is always sure to remind you she knows them... i don't think she actually does. i don't know why she would find it appropriate to impress me, i'm 8. (or i was.)
the allman brothers band - jessica
this is the song my sister was named after. i was always led to believe my father loved this band, but when i try to impress him by playing it, he just gets bored. understandably so, its like 8 minutes long and has no words. again, i don't know why my mom tried to tell me weird false things about my dad.
barbara streisand - woman in love
i walked into my kitchen when i was 6 and this song was playing. my mother was against the counter making out with the 26 yr old next door neighbor. i snuck by and went to the bathroom unnoticed. my sister came in after me and called my mom out. this would be how every situation would pan out between my sister and i. i would stay quiet, and my sister would raise hell.
linda ronstadt - blue bayou
my grandmother on my mother's side died in 1979. she was murdered by her boyfriend. she was hit in the head by him and died a few days later. this is her favorite song.
the traveling wilburys - handle with care
my mom thinks this is her anthem. really, though, it would be like her to blame everyone but herself for feeling beat up, just like this song says.
the beatles - when im sixty-four
my mom told me a good way to remember what 8x8 was, was to sing this song and picture the 8's at two little bald heads.
it still works.
color me badd - i wanna sex you up
inappropriate right? imagine your mom mom-dancing to this song. woof.
obviously there are more. its amazing how associative one can get about songs. even though a lot of these memories are painful, i like to look back and laugh, because i feel like if i didn't have these things.. i'd be really boring.
scheduling conflict
i don't get days off. prior to thanksgiving, i had been working for a month straight. this is not an exaggeration.
i have a few off in a row. like, a real live weekend. i've been beside myself. mostly i've sat on the couch and do crossword puzzles but today, i went to my mother's house. if you know me, you know i don't particularly speak with her so this is quite the feat for me. my sister shelby is in town from virginia. she has a new baby, ava grace. my nephew also came out and so it was nice to see them. my niece is beautiful and my nephew is handsome. my sister, jessica also came over and we had sandwiches. naturally my mother freaked out about cooking for everyone and asked for praise and attention at every opportunity... but aside from my undying mommy issues, i had a beautiful day.
my neice, ashley came over later. she's 13 and recently got into "subculture" and she needed a "punk rock" haircut. my rommate and i delivered, and she left looking like a beautiful angel.
today was just really perfect.
i missed chasing my nephew around trying to wipe my boogers on him. i missed singing expose's "season's change" with shelby at the top of my lungs. i missed hugging my niece and mentioning how big her boobs were getting at every awkward opportunity. i really love my sister and her kids, despite the fact they all have different fathers and she picked up and moved to virginia.
i really love days off.
i have a few off in a row. like, a real live weekend. i've been beside myself. mostly i've sat on the couch and do crossword puzzles but today, i went to my mother's house. if you know me, you know i don't particularly speak with her so this is quite the feat for me. my sister shelby is in town from virginia. she has a new baby, ava grace. my nephew also came out and so it was nice to see them. my niece is beautiful and my nephew is handsome. my sister, jessica also came over and we had sandwiches. naturally my mother freaked out about cooking for everyone and asked for praise and attention at every opportunity... but aside from my undying mommy issues, i had a beautiful day.
my neice, ashley came over later. she's 13 and recently got into "subculture" and she needed a "punk rock" haircut. my rommate and i delivered, and she left looking like a beautiful angel.
today was just really perfect.
i missed chasing my nephew around trying to wipe my boogers on him. i missed singing expose's "season's change" with shelby at the top of my lungs. i missed hugging my niece and mentioning how big her boobs were getting at every awkward opportunity. i really love my sister and her kids, despite the fact they all have different fathers and she picked up and moved to virginia.
i really love days off.
11.27.2008
da coach
my father, my uncle renzo and his girlfriend collette went to ditka's today for thanksgiving. this is the second year we've done this and it was, as expected, a success.
the weather was gorgeous today. i opted for a sweater dress over leggings and a turtleneck because last year i wore a pencil skirt and had to unbutton it 6 trips to the buffet in.
there was a girl there with a black polyester tank top with hot pink lace and a lower back tattoo that was unfortunately consistently exposed. she had a juggalo boyfriend and i will address her role in my life later.
at buffets, i eat for spite. i have been fasting for the past few days and taking in primarily liquids so that i can achieve maximum input (food).
everything i gorgeous and delicious at this buffet. i saw the coach himself there, but didn't ask for an autograph because i feel like that's what he's fishing for and i'm too busy trying to stick it to him by eating way more prime rib than i paid for. i have been loking forward to eating at ditka's for about 7 months now. specifically i've been citing the key lime pie served in shot glasses. this year, the desserts were in the atrium, which is cool, but i put it off til the bitter end because of proximity.
i wish i hadn't because when i finally ventured out to the poorly lit atrium, i was faced with juggalo douchey tat dude and his juggalette princess. we agreed the lighting was awful while we eyeballed the spread... there it was...
key lime pie shot. ONE. one of them.
this fucking thirsty ass ho has the audacity to not only show her nasty ass back tat, but to also grab the singular key lime pie shot.
i maintained some level of class and settled for one dirty look and went back to my table where i unloaded a plethora of expletives regarding this midlothian looking mother fucker. seriously fuck that bitch because there weren't even any key lime pie shots left anywhere.
whatever. its about time i exercise moderation and i suppose key lime pie is the perfect place to start.
i settled for chocolate mousse and although still slightly disappointed, i was still content.
thanks chicago!
11.04.2008
election day
I'm really excited to tell my kids that I voted for the first black president today. I almost cried a little bit at work. I'm going to Grant Park later on even thought I don't have a golden ticket. Should be fun.
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