life is pain

recently, i redecorated my bedroom. actually, this is the first bedroom i've ever felt truly at home in. it it the first bedroom i've ever decorated, period. i found a nice, heavy brown and gold paisley brocade fabric and covered one wall in it. i got some shelves and lace curtains. a brown and gold rose motif comforter and a lot of cool frames to hang up. i also got a couple really cool lamps that make the lighting in my room bearable. the ceiling fan lights made my room look like a prison cell, not to mention the shark gray walls.

why this is important is, i've been having more than a few issues with school and work; scheduling conflicts, ridiculous standards, personal attacks, and monetary discomfort. every day feels like the worst day and every day i feel that i might break down. i've had more than a few crying fits where i take my anger and frustration out on those closest to me, blaming my father and mother for not being rich and not paying my rent or school. after a while i realize this is ridiculous and apologize, but i can't help but feel helpless and trapped and terrible every day.
but everyday for the past month or so, i've been really questioning my decisions as far as career paths go. i understand the hair industry is a game. i think that was part of the charm and attraction for me. what i had in mind was my social skills, specifically talking to clients the way they want to be talked to. i think it is going to be fun to be challenged by a plethora of personality types, adjusting my own to fit with theirs. i've always been good at this, and i figured this is a perfect way to get paid for it.
what i wasn't ready for was employers not liking my regular, real life personality. i've never had a problem like this. i've never felt so unliked and uncomfortable at a job before. my bosses always are fond of me at every job i've ever had. i've never been not liked by my coworkers before. i am not sure if this is what the hair industry is, an unbearable level of nitpicking, judging, scrutinizing. the interesting thing is that i do my job well. i rarely make mistakes, i can fix the ones i do make quickly, i've never had a complaint from a client being unhappy with the service i provide as a receptionist... in fact, i've developed several personal relationships with clients. i'm convinced its personal. my personal style has been cited for not being up to standards, which is a flat out lie and fabrication. my "phone voice" has also been a topic for criticism. apparently, i don't sound friendly enough. i'm supposed to make my voice less "staccato". i'm expected to cop some sort of breathy, sing songy, condescending fake ass voice when i am on the phone. and for what? what is wrong with speaking to people like functioning adults? why must i coddle them and hold their hand while they make a haircut appointment? i feel like i am respected by clients because i don't do that bullshit. you need an appointment? i can give you one, i will help you get the perfect appointment for you, i will be concerned about your needs and scheduling conflicts and i will find what you are looking for and i will remember you when you walk in the door. because i am friendly and caring and nice. and it is all real. i don't fake nice with people, i think its worse than being mean.
on the record, my supervisors say that in the new year, we are a high end salon and we will treat people as such. we are charging upwards of $53 dollars for a haircut and we are to respect that clients are paying that money. fine. but the fact remains that art and science clings onto the image of a "hip and trendy" salon, not a spa. you want me to whisper to clients? then get rid of this awful neon green and orange theme and selectively play "pure moods".

in actuality, i'm doing what i need to do. working, schooling, second jobbing. when i am at the end of a three week stretch of not a single day off from 14 hour days, i'll have to apologize if i'm not the most chipper receptionist. the fact is, i am not stupid. i'm not simple. i'm overworked. i'm underpaid. i'm currently completing the most difficult year of my life. i'm jaded and bitter. does it come out to my coworkers? maybe. but like i said, i'm not stupid, i know when to respect someone's decision to spend 77 dollars on a haircut and pay attention to them and forget about my personal woes for a second.
i only get paid $10.50 an hour. i don't think i have to be particularly nice to my coworkers who i'm admittedly envious of. a 40 hour week sounds like heaven to me and i want what you have.

every day i battle myself. i want to quit school, work, pack up and move cross-country. i know its futile. "stick it out" i tell myself. "hang in there" my friends tell me. this is awful... it feels terrible. i'm trying so hard and its not good enough. how far do i have to go? how much do i have to play this silly hair stylist game based on seniority and a bullshit totem pole? how willing am i to be successful in an industry based on judging one another's appearance?

i can't imagine sticking it out for 4 years to go to school... the conflict of figuring out if i'm doing what i really want to be doing. its expensive. i guess in real college you don't really have a hands on experience with your field like being a receptionist in a salon while in hair school.
ever day i feel stupid. i know i'm smarter than this. i know i'm over qualified to work a job where i'm reprimanded for my outfit. god, i'm embarrassed to even type that out.

honestly, the only comfort has been my bedroom.
decorating my room to be mine has greatly improved my life... going home is a treat for the first time in my life. i've always run away from home. alcoholic angry mom, living in squalor, i've always avoided going home.
for once my bedroom is where i look forward to going. nothing matters because it looks awesome in there. i'm proud of it. i love going home finally. so, if everything falls through with my potential career, at least my naps will be epic.??


blah....

suburban lifestyle

i talked to my old roommate for a while today. he is in his hometown in ohio for the holiday and while he's there, he went to an old friend's wedding.

we talked about the difference between our current friends and our growing up friends. i recently started being more active on facebook, which is a joke in itself, but i've noticed that these people are getting married and having babies left and right. i can't think of anyone that i'm close to that has kids, is thinking of having kids, or wants to maybe have kids soon. i can't tell if i'm so behind because i don't think i'm anywhere near being ready to get married and have kids, or if i'm so ahead that i realize that its ridiculous and unnecessary to get married so young.
i just think it is so simple minded to get married at this age. at the same time jeff said something that stuck with me, something along the lines of thinking its great to find someone willing to spend the rest of their lives with you... which really tears me apart because while i do think it is a nice thought, i can't imagine ever feeling that way about anyone. i don't know.

is that the difference between living in the city and the suburbs? i went to high school in the suburbs and i always thought i could identify with both lifestyles, and honestly i didn't think they were so different until recently. is it a "city mentality" to be cool with growing up and being single and not getting married?

and to be perfectly honest, i can't believe some of these assholes from high school found someone to marry their sorry asses, not to mention knock them up and create miniature versions of their awful selves. facebook is truly a mindfuck.

i think the real problem is, aside from my lack of understanding and tolerance, is that i'm afraid sometimes that my "independent" and "intelligent" lifestyle is just a front for being afraid of ending up alone. its not a problem being alone if that's what i wanted right? well i'm having a hard time figuring out if that's what i want or if that's what i'm just telling you i want.

love, carrie