it may look bad now...

i clipped my bangs back so as not to wet them when i washed my face.

the light in the bathroom is harsh and unforgiving, and for the first time in my life i became aware of my hairline. for all i know it is the same as its always been, but in my current state of mind, i'm convinced that its fucking receding. chalk it up as another thing i have to worry about but probably won't.

i turned on the faucet, hot water first... the water pressure fucking sucks here, i have to add cold water to be half satisfied. the water comes out erratically and splashes all over the counter. no wonder its always a slimy mess. i bend over, splash the water on my face and stand up to meet my reflection. the layers of makeup i put on hours earlier begin to melt away and i look like benji madden from good charlotte on a bad day. little by little, the flaws i tried to hide reappear, i doubt they were ever actually hidden anyway.

with my face still dripping wet and covered in ruined makeup, i reach in the cabinet for my toothbrush. there are literally 12 brushes in here, i think to myself, "there are only 5 people that live here". whatever. i brush my teeth like a slob, i think of my best friend debbie, who always brushes her teeth like a slob. i don't know how she does it, but right now i don't care about anything. i stare at myself while i perform a boring task and roll my eyes. it doesn't matter how often i brush and floss, they're still going to be crooked, i'm still going to be constantly aware of it when i smile, or if i watch a recording of myself. i finish up, put my one brush back into a cup of a dozen unclaimed brushes and go back to washing my face.

after some overpriced face wash which im sure is doing more damage than good, i dry off with a towel i just had to have my dad buy me from target as i am completely broke. i haven't washed it yet so the gray fabric pills up on my face and hands. whatever. i dont even care. i hastily apply moisturizer and it grinds the pilled fabric into my skin. i know i'm being sloppy, and i can't stop it. i use my forearm to clear the debris and stare in the mirror for a few moments.

my receding hairline, my broken out skin, the dark, permanent circles under my eyes, the remnants of eyeliner and cheap mascara, my eyelashes are too short. my teeth are crooked from genetics and lax parenting. they're yellowed from the last year of my newly acquired habitual smoking and coffee drinking. my lips are chapped. my skin is dry. i fucking hate myself.

i drop my eyes to the lot of gold chains i have draped around my neck and scoff at the juxtaposition of the clean, shiny gold against my pale, sickly skin.

"you look like shit". i say out loud, talking to myself as though i were my own mother addressing one of her children. i've lost weight. or maybe i've gained it. i can't tell, i don't even actually care in real life, but in this mirror, i am a pile of garbage. every inch of me is scrutinized and rightfully so.

why did i even put makeup on? actually, why did i even put pants on? i don't know what i thought i was going to do. but i did. earlier in the night i put makeup on. real makeup, not my usual eyeliner, mascara, chap stick routine. i moisturized. i put a bullshit 'primer' on. foundation. concealer. blush. under eye concealer, powder. all of it. every step i subconsciously knew it was in vein. i knew i wasn't going anywhere.

i was preparing to leave. i don't have a fucking proper fall jacket. i don't know how to dress myself. for in between weather. where am i even going?

i'm not committed to anything.

i don't have a jacket. i didn't want to wear a hoodie. i sat back on the couch which was pulled out to expose a sofa bed. i sat there for 12 hours. i did nothing but make a mess and hate myself.

one by one, each of my roommates retreated to their rooms for the night. i knew this would happen. i knew none of them understood that all i wanted was someone to stay up with me until i fell asleep. how could they? i didn't ask. i didn't tell them how i felt. i didn't do anything. i sat and stared blankly at my computer. not even exercising the internet for any valuable resource. i wasted an entire day doing literally nothing.

and so, there i was... 3am by myself in a house that isn't a home. i closed my laptop. and looked up at the civil war documentary that had been playing on the tv for the last x amount of hours. i opened my laptop. i closed my laptop. i picked up the pack of cigarettes on the table and shook it. i opened it. 2 left. more than i thought. i pulled one out and grabbed a black pullover hoodie off the table next to me to go outside for the first time today and smoke a cigarette. the hoodie smelled like boys and cigarette smoke. i opened the door, i looked at the street light, the sidewalk, the porch, the chair i would sit in... i stepped back and closed the door. who am i kidding? i'm not leaving the house today. i sat on the couch. i lit the cigarette. i opened my laptop. i googled "the benefits of quitting smoking" as i took a drag. i contemplated the money i would save if i quit. i started to blame the way i felt and looked on smoking. i closed the laptop and looked around the room. i can't quit. 75% of the people i live with smoke. i would still smell of it. i put it out and started toward the kitchen. i picked up some of the trash i created throughout the day. i stopped, surveyed the living room i had just really fucking cleaned a few days prior. its a fucking mess. some of it is my mess. some of it belongs to any one of the 4 other people i live with. i cant even keep up with myself, i can't keep up with the 5 of us.

'i moved into the perfect situation', i thought. there are enough people living here where i can always blame someone else just like i have been for the past 24 years.

i strategically placed my trash in an already overfilled trash can and smashed the lid down.

i went into the bathroom, slightly winced at the curious smell.

i clipped my bangs back so as not to wet them when i washed my face... i look up at my reflection and said out loud, "man, your eyebrows look fucking great."