getting silly.

a few weeks ago, i stayed up till i had to go to work because i couldn't stop crying about nothing in particular.

i blamed it on dragging a dead deer up a hill. an album by one girl with one guitar singing (kind of) 12 songs that are so dreamy and creepy and you can't fall asleep because it can't be better or worse than what you're feeling while awake and listening to it.

so i didn't fall asleep. i listened to heavy water/i'd rather be sleeping on repeat for hours and stared blankly ahead. i imagined i was in a giant body of water, and my hair way way longer and blonder. actually it might not have been me. but i was imagining it anyway. the body was backlit and the water was greenish. not like offensive nature algae green, not really blue at all. i feel like i've seen it before in a music video that i can't place. a music video i saw in my house in westchester as a kid when i would watch tv into the late hours and pretend to be asleep when my mother would come in.
so this girl is floating, there are bubbles all around. sometimes the girl is me, sometimes i'm looking at her.

sometimes, the vision would become to big and break me. and then i would cry. not sob. but tear up and sniffle and try to place the blame. i would think about my mistakes and pick one and hold it accountable for the pain i felt. i changed my mind for what seemed like hours. i tried to think of what i could tell my friends when i told them how i had not slept the night prior. i tried to pick the most believable, most appropriate reason for staying up...

i wasn't trying to deceive. i was trying to not be embarrassed about the way i felt. i was embarrassed because i couldn't place it. i still can't place it. there is no one moment in my life that affected me so deeply that i feel this way tonight. i don't know if its in my nature, or personality type, or whatever, but i feel the need to explain every detail if why i feel the way i do.

or wait. no i don't. i think i just want to tell somebody i stayed up all night and it hurt. and i want them to know it and pay attention to it. i want someone [my friends] to picture the way i way i was sitting and to hurt at least a fraction of the amount i was hurting.

i wasn't trying to hurt. i was just trying to make myself believe that i can fix this. i don't actually know what i was trying to do.

i feel like i never come completely to terms with how i actually feel. when i try to share with my friends or other people of interest, i never capture in words all the ways i really feel. maybe 64% if that. so all my friends are only getting 64% of me and there is 36% of my that never makes it from my head to your (i use 'your' loosely) head. 36% is a gross generalization, maybe an expert has a more accurate percentage, but as far as i'm concerned, i've just come up with this theory just right now earlier in this paragraph. i don't believe that, though, because there are people who dedicate their entire live to figuring out why one feels the way they do. so basically i could come up with anything and chances are someone else has already thought about it and either executed it or.... or didn't.

in any case, i don't know how much of me is stuck in me and so i don't actually know how i feel.

i feel like i'm in a giant body of water, greenish in color, surrounded by bubbles. i'm completely weightless, i can't feel a thing.

i made it through the night. i made it through the workday. i made a cry for help.
and now i'm staring at this email from a friend, dreading facing a problem. because.

because either
my problem can't be fixed by someone who isn't me.
or i don't actually have a problem. it all seems so relative and i'm conditioned to think that someone is worse off than me.

wait
i just feel guilty. like i'm wasting your time with this. your, their, my, our, his, her, all the time in the world is wasted on my non-problem.

so i'm embarrassed again.
but still floating in greenish water.

tonight i did something different while listening to this album.
tonight i let it go. i made myself let it go. i can feel the tears hiding just beyond their exit point and i am holding them back effortlessly.. this isn't a struggle, this is an awareness.

tonight i', floating in a greenish body of water. i'm surrounded by bubbles. my hair is long, its lighter. i feel nothing.